She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
