According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
