I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
