i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
