shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
