I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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