WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
