just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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