My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
