you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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