I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
