New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
