WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
