there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
