turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
