Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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