She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
