I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
