no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
