walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
