Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
