did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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