I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drunk is not a location!
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