i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
