That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
