I can feel you judging me through the phone.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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