You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
