I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
