maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
