Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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