I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
