girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
