at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
