If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
