I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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