Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
