I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
last night I used snow as a chaser
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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