I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
