There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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