Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
