i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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