I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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