I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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