she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
