Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
