the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
