Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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