Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
