Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We need to get me chipped asap
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
