Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
